so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
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5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*