Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
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I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?