Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
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[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.