Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
You Might Also Like
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Spell check is for lasers.