*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
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GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea