My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
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Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Stop it! 😂
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.