The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
You Might Also Like
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host