my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
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a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.