nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
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Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Breaking news:
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not