Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
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Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died