Impervious: being an admitted pervert
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me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before