Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
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1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
The little toadstool has spoken.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
They did not think through this water fountain
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Important
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no