someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
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When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
tell em, edith-anne
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
So true for me
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
*puts my mental health in rice
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.