[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
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Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
i’m still crying at this
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.