Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
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[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
an airline just for babies.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*