Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
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Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.