“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
*frowns in Scottish*
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
NASA has no chill
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns