Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
You Might Also Like
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
If only.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
had to share :’)
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
the short answer to this question
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool