me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
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Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
The pen is writier than the sword.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people: