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I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
TRAIN’S HERE
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure