ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
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Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Always
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Everyone’s family
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.