Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
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I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
A double negative is a big no-no.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it