Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
You Might Also Like
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.