The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
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When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Cheers Twitter.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear