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I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
broke down and did it
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom