What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
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With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Buying a well is money well spent.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.