Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
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A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I told my vodka about you.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..