Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
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Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My love language is deader than Latin
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?