Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
You Might Also Like
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles