angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
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“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My birthstone is a marshmallow
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.