Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
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if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.