Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
You Might Also Like
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there鈥檚 no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don鈥檛 you dare!
Me: It鈥檚 a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 馃
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it鈥檚 super awkward.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You鈥檙e not being logical.
鈥攃ats in Christmas trees
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I鈥檓 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I鈥檝e never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no