Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
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Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
work smarter, not harder
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no