I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
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I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers