Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
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It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.