Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
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Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf