My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
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Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.