im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
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Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.