Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
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“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Mornin
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same