Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
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[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family