HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
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[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.