“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
You Might Also Like
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
This squirrel eats better than I do
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
So glad we cleared that up
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.