*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
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wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win