How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
You Might Also Like
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Breaking news: