Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
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mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!