I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
You Might Also Like
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.