I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
You Might Also Like
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently