I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
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Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.