My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
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ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
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