Based Erika
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Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
He’s cranky this morning
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what